I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
