She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
