I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
