he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
