I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
