How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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