if only i could text you this smell
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
