My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
