My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
