i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize