haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we're chasing vodka with high fives
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the raccoons are back...
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