You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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