i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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