Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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