does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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