What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
