cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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