Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
