is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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