FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
