I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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