i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
