Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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