Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
