I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
