I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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