So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
