Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
