I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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