I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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