I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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