the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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