3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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