i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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