you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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