It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
