Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
