i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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