I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
