god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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