his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize