I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
