My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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