respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
