if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
