"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
