I could have mohawked her pubes.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i've created a new STD.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
