Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
