Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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