Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize