so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
