I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
