hotel room ftw
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
