Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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