Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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