I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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