did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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