Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
