I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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