last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
