forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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