Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sober January is a disaster.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
