hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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