I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
