where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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